DEPRESSION - episode 1
I'm sinking into a deep pool of depression. I can't wait for school to start soon, because i am slowly losing my mind. actually if i stay home any longer, i will lose my sanity. Probably the only thing that's holding me together is my inherent excitement at Leibling and Graham's wedding. I want to wear black at the wedding for my own reasons, just like i want to grow my hair this year for my own reasons. It seems to me that turning 21 is just a number in my parents minds, it's got no tangibility as to the times i have reached. huh! till the day i die, i would always be a child in their eyes, incapable of making my own choices, i can't be trusted to be responsible for myself, it seems like i'm destined to be the child who does what they say without question, unable to speak up for myself.
hell, i can remember so many instances when i want to defend myself but i can't because its been ingrained into me that i am never right, my opinions don't matter, i'm just a fat, lazy lout, without mind, or even coherent thought. i guess that's why i love to read - it helps me zone my mind out of the shit i'm in and into other worlds, where anything is possible. My love for science fiction didn't come around because i loved to read, it came because i could escape to another place in my mind where i can watch other people's lives and not mine.
the funny thing about me is how AWARE my mind has become. even when i was young i was always aware of everything around me. like even right now, i'm writing this and my mind is working on several scenarios of what people could be thinking about me, or even how i think of myself or even better, what i think, people are thinking about me. complex huh?
The only way i can release the stress about me is to write. and here i am, doing exactly that, writing. you may not guess this but i am blogging from home, just writing my thoughts down so i can upload it here later, meaning today. now that is complex! lolz
I just wish i could get like a million dollars and give my parents half then move out of home and live elsewhere by myself. i need to experience life on my own, i want to but i can think of sooo many excuses my family would come up with, e.g. they need me to help with things, or they can't do everything without me. most of that would be true but then how can i live as a young adult and not be able to make my own decisions? my life sux. period.
i'm sure this must be seriously boring you out! here i am spinning my sad, sob story. i must sound like a whiner huh??? well, tough, this is my blog and i can write whatever i want. It's called stress release for a reason!!! this is where i release the emotion that i can't express infront of my parents. better here then having it explode in their faces, and i end up saying things i will soon regret.
this is the end of episode one of my depression series, stay tuned for more of my depressed, sucky life.
^j^
hell, i can remember so many instances when i want to defend myself but i can't because its been ingrained into me that i am never right, my opinions don't matter, i'm just a fat, lazy lout, without mind, or even coherent thought. i guess that's why i love to read - it helps me zone my mind out of the shit i'm in and into other worlds, where anything is possible. My love for science fiction didn't come around because i loved to read, it came because i could escape to another place in my mind where i can watch other people's lives and not mine.
the funny thing about me is how AWARE my mind has become. even when i was young i was always aware of everything around me. like even right now, i'm writing this and my mind is working on several scenarios of what people could be thinking about me, or even how i think of myself or even better, what i think, people are thinking about me. complex huh?
The only way i can release the stress about me is to write. and here i am, doing exactly that, writing. you may not guess this but i am blogging from home, just writing my thoughts down so i can upload it here later, meaning today. now that is complex! lolz
I just wish i could get like a million dollars and give my parents half then move out of home and live elsewhere by myself. i need to experience life on my own, i want to but i can think of sooo many excuses my family would come up with, e.g. they need me to help with things, or they can't do everything without me. most of that would be true but then how can i live as a young adult and not be able to make my own decisions? my life sux. period.
i'm sure this must be seriously boring you out! here i am spinning my sad, sob story. i must sound like a whiner huh??? well, tough, this is my blog and i can write whatever i want. It's called stress release for a reason!!! this is where i release the emotion that i can't express infront of my parents. better here then having it explode in their faces, and i end up saying things i will soon regret.
this is the end of episode one of my depression series, stay tuned for more of my depressed, sucky life.
^j^
Labels: depression
posted by FALLENangel at
8:57 am
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