my life sux

well, my life goes from shit to worse than shit and with each passing moment, it gets even worse. i just found out today that the guys from FNPF haven't paid my school fees and i've been de-registered. i have no idea what to do now. i'm totally lost. i have to let mum and dad know soon.damn it.

i have to find out what's the cost for registering again (money) and then pay for my fees (money) and also pay the fine for late payment of fees (money)... i have no idea where i'm gonna get the money from. GOD help me plz.

i feel another depression episode settling on me. i'll keep you posted on all the details.

What's wrong with me???

gosh, i seriously have no idea what's wrong with me today. i had a class in the morning and it was alright, i learnt how to use the audio software we've got in the newsroom (audacity) and i think i'm gettin the hang of it the only problem is that sometimes i can't concentrate. damn it.

besides, that i had this very interesting email that was coming round and the most interesting thing about it was being labelled. wanna know? well apparently to a certain someone in the newsroom i'm an ALREADY CONFUSED HUGE FUCK. now, i'm not saying that i took offence at that...BULLSHIT... of course i took offence, nobody calls me a huge fuck except my brother Jese and he's gone so that leaves no-one. so i guess that was what got me ticked off and the sad thing about it is that i can't focus properly on what i'm supposed to be doing.

i have to write about 6 stories this week for radio and another one for my 201 class and it's not coming well at all. sux to be me. lolz.

i realise that i haven't blogged in a while. the last time i wrote something was like last week and that seems like ages ago. damn! i need to find more time to blog. i would love to blog from home but by the time i get home, i'm too tired to do shit.

the only highlight for my week is that my sister Zellah is coming in from Brisbane today with my boys Denzel and Zion. and then Jone comes in on Friday and then on Saturday i'm singing with Graham's band at Wati's friends b'day party and there'll be drinks galore!!!! i'm gonna get Jone to give me $20 so i can go and get my ears pierced. i'm thinking a double pierce on my left ear. cool huh?

then on Monday nex week i'm going to Nadi so i can pick up Taina from the airport and we'll come back to Suva probably on the same day or maybe early tuesday morning. we'll see.

Next week is Graham's and leiby's wedding and i can't wait for it. it's the biggest event in the family calendar besides of course Mum & Dad's retirement service which is on the Sunday (8 Apr).

that's about it for now. i'm gonna try and see if i can do some real work...lolz... as if i can even think of something to write. but until i next blog.... ciao!

oh! check out this new manga that i'm reading: Bleach

Depression - episode 2

Gosh, i never knew just how quickly time would fly and here i am again, blogging out my frustrations and worries. Not much happened in the day but once the afternoon came, I’ve become plagued by issues left unsaid between me, mum & dad. Issues about work, my weight and a ton of other stuff. I've already set out a diet plan for me beginning 1st march and ending on the 31st. but it doesn't cover my inability to get up and find a job. So I’m gonna go out and try to find it.

I'm thinking about skipping a semester from school and focus on work. Or i could get something part time that could work around my timetable and at the same time. Yvette is coming around tomorrow and I’m hoping to unload some of my shit to her and try to get her opinion. Amongst other things, I’m gonna write a letter to uncle kesoni and aunty curu asking if i could be removed from the soldier's roll for personal reasons. My conviction to wear the uniform has gone wrong and i can't make a fool of myself in church before God. I might wear the uniform again in the future but it must be because I’m doing it for God and not for someone else. I know that mum and dad are gonna take it hard but they need to know that I’m trying to do right.

If i do get a job then I’m taking the electricity bill away from them. I'll have to contribute to the fuel cost and also to the food bills. If i play my cards right, i might keep at least $100 for myself and for my up keeping e.g. mobile credit, hair product, stationery, and other miscellaneous stuff. Of course, I would need to open a bank account (Westpac maybe) and have my pay check sent there.

You would have noticed that I’m not whining as much as i was in the last episode .

I'm gonna talk things through with Yvette and maybe even Wati then I’ll act on it, before school starts, i need to have this sorted as soon as possible.

Fingers crossed.

^j^

DEPRESSION - episode 1

I'm sinking into a deep pool of depression. I can't wait for school to start soon, because i am slowly losing my mind. actually if i stay home any longer, i will lose my sanity. Probably the only thing that's holding me together is my inherent excitement at Leibling and Graham's wedding. I want to wear black at the wedding for my own reasons, just like i want to grow my hair this year for my own reasons. It seems to me that turning 21 is just a number in my parents minds, it's got no tangibility as to the times i have reached. huh! till the day i die, i would always be a child in their eyes, incapable of making my own choices, i can't be trusted to be responsible for myself, it seems like i'm destined to be the child who does what they say without question, unable to speak up for myself.

hell, i can remember so many instances when i want to defend myself but i can't because its been ingrained into me that i am never right, my opinions don't matter, i'm just a fat, lazy lout, without mind, or even coherent thought. i guess that's why i love to read - it helps me zone my mind out of the shit i'm in and into other worlds, where anything is possible. My love for science fiction didn't come around because i loved to read, it came because i could escape to another place in my mind where i can watch other people's lives and not mine.

the funny thing about me is how AWARE my mind has become. even when i was young i was always aware of everything around me. like even right now, i'm writing this and my mind is working on several scenarios of what people could be thinking about me, or even how i think of myself or even better, what i think, people are thinking about me. complex huh?

The only way i can release the stress about me is to write. and here i am, doing exactly that, writing. you may not guess this but i am blogging from home, just writing my thoughts down so i can upload it here later, meaning today. now that is complex! lolz

I just wish i could get like a million dollars and give my parents half then move out of home and live elsewhere by myself. i need to experience life on my own, i want to but i can think of sooo many excuses my family would come up with, e.g. they need me to help with things, or they can't do everything without me. most of that would be true but then how can i live as a young adult and not be able to make my own decisions? my life sux. period.

i'm sure this must be seriously boring you out! here i am spinning my sad, sob story. i must sound like a whiner huh??? well, tough, this is my blog and i can write whatever i want. It's called stress release for a reason!!! this is where i release the emotion that i can't express infront of my parents. better here then having it explode in their faces, and i end up saying things i will soon regret.

this is the end of episode one of my depression series, stay tuned for more of my depressed, sucky life.

^j^