The stupid things we say

Well, I’ve had a hell of a time gathering small bits and pieces of stuff that’s been happening in the lives of people around me (who are dear to me!!!). The thing that really gets me is how dense people can be and just how far we’re willing to go just to make our lives look happy and satisfying when in all truth, deep inside, we’re hurting real bad and there’s nothing much we can do about it. It sorta makes me think of the reasons why I came up with this blog in the first place.

At first I wanted to use the blog to release all that pent up stress I was facing instead of resorting to lying down in bed crying to my pillow. And you know what? It’s actually worked, well once in a while. Sometimes, it’s just good enough for me to have a good cry over stuff, it helps me get over some of the issues I face everyday.

Anyway, back to what I wanted to talk about; I’ve noticed recently that people say a lot of things. Sometimes it can be figurative, at other times it’s literal. Most, if not all, the time it’s hurtful and negative things. We get into petty fights and pretty soon, our maturity goes out the window and we’re trading insults like we’re 6 year olds. And when it’s over and done with, we wish we could go back in time and take back everything we’ve said but it’s too late; the damage has been done and someone’s hurt from those very words. I know I’ve had my fair share of it – more than I can ever count.



All of last year I’ve learnt to watch what I say in front of some people and what I say in front of others. It’s difficult juggling it but then there’s no way around it, especially when I was warned by some close friends to be careful of what I say and do with some others who I thought were friends. It’s hard and sometimes, it can be down right hurtful to me but then it teaches me to exercise my conscience in every conversation. In the end, I come back happier knowing that I didn’t say or do anything that could have offended a good friend of mine.

I was thinking back to many conversations I’ve listened to (most are private and confidential) and I’m struck by how stupid some of our arguments sound. It’s just down right foolishness to think that what we’re fighting over is actually of importance to our daily lives. Damn, I’d love to give a good example right now but that’s confidential and I can’t say anything about it.



Hmmm, one thing I’ve noticed is that ever since I’ve started this blog, I’ve realised how easy it’s become for me to keep a secret. Because I have an avenue to vent my feelings and keep that secret; wow! I am actually proud of myself for that fact! [**self pat on the back**]

I’ve just about exhausted everything I was meaning to say on this issue so, that’s about it for now, but do check again for more of my ranting and raving on trivial issues. Lolz

^j^

DAY ONE - SEMESTER ONE - 2007

hehehehehe.... it was sooooo funny for me to walk into the newsroom and see all my fellow JN'ers from last years class doing what we do best (HOGGING THE COMPUTERS), i haven't seen any of the first years yet and i'm kinda wondering what they'd be like... oohhhh!!!! scary! hahahahahahaha.......

I'm sure that you've been updated on what i'm thinking of doing this semester and GOSH! i'm just blown away by the whole back in school feel.... IT'S SOOOO EXCITING!!!! i feel like screaming.... AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!

ok, now that's out of my system... i'm looking forward to a new, good and glorious day.

ciao!!!

^j^

USP Orientation Day

well, i'm just sitting down at the internet booth set up by TFL... it's free internet for the day and i've just decided to put up a quick blog post just to let you know that i am still alive!!! I AM NOT DEAD... hehehehehehe... i wonder what did you think of the whole BUSH yawning picture post i did sometime yesterday-ish... lolz

i am soooo aimless right now. i'm sure you can tell that from my erratic, pointless and completely out of style typing.

holla y'all!

^j^

Just plain bored

Regina Spektor - Fidelity

Depression - episode 2

Gosh, i never knew just how quickly time would fly and here i am again, blogging out my frustrations and worries. Not much happened in the day but once the afternoon came, I’ve become plagued by issues left unsaid between me, mum & dad. Issues about work, my weight and a ton of other stuff. I've already set out a diet plan for me beginning 1st march and ending on the 31st. but it doesn't cover my inability to get up and find a job. So I’m gonna go out and try to find it.

I'm thinking about skipping a semester from school and focus on work. Or i could get something part time that could work around my timetable and at the same time. Yvette is coming around tomorrow and I’m hoping to unload some of my shit to her and try to get her opinion. Amongst other things, I’m gonna write a letter to uncle kesoni and aunty curu asking if i could be removed from the soldier's roll for personal reasons. My conviction to wear the uniform has gone wrong and i can't make a fool of myself in church before God. I might wear the uniform again in the future but it must be because I’m doing it for God and not for someone else. I know that mum and dad are gonna take it hard but they need to know that I’m trying to do right.

If i do get a job then I’m taking the electricity bill away from them. I'll have to contribute to the fuel cost and also to the food bills. If i play my cards right, i might keep at least $100 for myself and for my up keeping e.g. mobile credit, hair product, stationery, and other miscellaneous stuff. Of course, I would need to open a bank account (Westpac maybe) and have my pay check sent there.

You would have noticed that I’m not whining as much as i was in the last episode .

I'm gonna talk things through with Yvette and maybe even Wati then I’ll act on it, before school starts, i need to have this sorted as soon as possible.

Fingers crossed.

^j^

DEPRESSION - episode 1

I'm sinking into a deep pool of depression. I can't wait for school to start soon, because i am slowly losing my mind. actually if i stay home any longer, i will lose my sanity. Probably the only thing that's holding me together is my inherent excitement at Leibling and Graham's wedding. I want to wear black at the wedding for my own reasons, just like i want to grow my hair this year for my own reasons. It seems to me that turning 21 is just a number in my parents minds, it's got no tangibility as to the times i have reached. huh! till the day i die, i would always be a child in their eyes, incapable of making my own choices, i can't be trusted to be responsible for myself, it seems like i'm destined to be the child who does what they say without question, unable to speak up for myself.

hell, i can remember so many instances when i want to defend myself but i can't because its been ingrained into me that i am never right, my opinions don't matter, i'm just a fat, lazy lout, without mind, or even coherent thought. i guess that's why i love to read - it helps me zone my mind out of the shit i'm in and into other worlds, where anything is possible. My love for science fiction didn't come around because i loved to read, it came because i could escape to another place in my mind where i can watch other people's lives and not mine.

the funny thing about me is how AWARE my mind has become. even when i was young i was always aware of everything around me. like even right now, i'm writing this and my mind is working on several scenarios of what people could be thinking about me, or even how i think of myself or even better, what i think, people are thinking about me. complex huh?

The only way i can release the stress about me is to write. and here i am, doing exactly that, writing. you may not guess this but i am blogging from home, just writing my thoughts down so i can upload it here later, meaning today. now that is complex! lolz

I just wish i could get like a million dollars and give my parents half then move out of home and live elsewhere by myself. i need to experience life on my own, i want to but i can think of sooo many excuses my family would come up with, e.g. they need me to help with things, or they can't do everything without me. most of that would be true but then how can i live as a young adult and not be able to make my own decisions? my life sux. period.

i'm sure this must be seriously boring you out! here i am spinning my sad, sob story. i must sound like a whiner huh??? well, tough, this is my blog and i can write whatever i want. It's called stress release for a reason!!! this is where i release the emotion that i can't express infront of my parents. better here then having it explode in their faces, and i end up saying things i will soon regret.

this is the end of episode one of my depression series, stay tuned for more of my depressed, sucky life.

^j^

STUDIES THIS YEAR

Well, it must seem like ages since I last wrote something in here... it's probably been only what - 2 weeks??? can't actually remember. anywho!!! i've spent my time at home pretty well, watching DVD's keeping an eye on my niece, helping my mum out whenever she wants me and oh, did i mention watching DVD's? (already? ok!), sooooo... i got really bored and decided to write some stuff up in my blog, just so you don't think that i've forgotten that i actually write here! lolz....

things for me this year will be totally different! i need to work my ass off in school and pass with crazy points coz i need to get a scholarship to see me through uni for the next two years. i want to talk to mum and dad about changing my majors from JN & PL to JN and something else like music or theatrical arts maybe even psychology or something. Politics isn't working for me at the moment and i'm scared of failing again. I might try taking Kylie's other course for this semester but i'll just have to wait and see what happens.

registrations begin early next month and i want to know if i'm eligible for 200 level politics or do i have to complete my 100 level stuff. i've got to ask Kali for his enrollment guide and check if there's a specific course i need to take this semester that could get me through to 200 level work. looks like i might even do an extra semester in 2009 (MAYBE!!!) hopefully i can do it through DFL so i can work and study at the same time.

but that's in the future. right now, i need to concentrate on my courses. which means, that i'd have to spend less time, surfing the web for stuff (except for the weekly naruto manga update and the occasional song/album download) and more time sitting in the library researching my notes. that also includes my daily need to upload something on my blog. i'll probably do a weekly kind of thing or maybe even a spur of the moment blog, just to keep you guessing. lolz.

i'm gonna be doing radio journalism this year, my favourite coz i was wanting to look into working at a radio station either as a reporter or as an on-air announcer. i'm sorta looking at FBCL coz there's a group of people there who i can relate to, i.e. VITI BROWN... lolz... i'm gonna try and see if i can score a job at one of those places, if i do get employment, then the first thing i'm gonna do is take away the electricity bill from mum and dad, next, i'm gonna try to invest in some wireless internet (and a 1 GB flash/mp3 player). Of course, i would need to upgrade my computer inside and outside. i'm gonna get some quotes from Emily for a flat screen monitor and DVD-RW/CD-RW driver, that way i can burn my cd's and DVD's too!!!!

somewhere in the near future, i'm gonna invest in a laptop.

so many things to do and so little time **sniff*sniff**.

I guess i'll just have to take it one step at a time. From one height of glory to another. I'm gonna climb the ladder of success.

OH! did i mention that i was interested in working for Radio Australia, or maybe even Radio New Zealand??? well, yeah i was, i'm interested in a pacific focused field. which is another reason why i want to complete my french studies. i'm also thinking about looking at working in a french agency either in New Caledonia, Tahiti or even France (ooh la la!!!)

once again, i reiterate, that it all begins with me making the first move. WISH ME LUCK!!!